What if...

What if I was good at math?

What if I liked milk?

What if I was sick?

What if I didn’t change my life?

What if I didn’t get married?

What if I would have continued to date Mike?

What if I didn’t work at the church?

What if Gabby and Charleigh didn’t fight?

What if I didn’t have my family?

What if I didn’t buy my car?

What if my brother didn’t go into the military?

What if I didn’t go back to school?

What if I quit my job?

What if I had time to do everything I need to do?

What if the kid didn’t press the alarm?

What if I didn’t fire the worker?

What if I made different choices when I was younger?

What if I would have taken a different life path?

What if I didn’t have the boss I do?

What if I wouldn’t have got pregnant?

What if I didn’t get out of the eating disorder?

What if I didn’t change my life?

If I would have kept going down the path I was, I probably would not be here today. Between the drugs and eating disorder I was going down a path that would have easily lead to death. At 25, I was in the hospital weighing 85 lbs, my potassium was so low, my organs were not functioning as they should and my body was starved. I see now that God was not done with me. I was in a really bad relationship, I got pregnant while waiting to go into a treatment center, and knew that I had to do something. So I was able to gain weight (too much weight that will not come off) and have a healthy baby. The relationship was not something that lasted, thankfully, but God gave me this wonderful baby girl who is the light of my life. I love her so very much. I believe if I would have made different choices, she would not be here today. She brings so much joy to my life. If it wasn’t for knowing that another human being depended on me completely, I don’t know if I would have been able to be sober and start eating again. I keep wondering in my mind what would have happened if I would have stayed in college when I was out of high school, and wondering where I would be If I wouldn’t have met the men and pretty much run away from my life. I know that I am where I want to be. I know that I do want some things to change. I don’t want to be a single parent forever but I have to put that in God’s hands. I know that God has been so good to us! My his grace, my ex-husband has stayed away from us for over 2 years, my daughter is healthy and happy and I have it better than so many other single moms out there. I am able to support my kid, send her to preschool for free, go to school for free and still have a roof over our heads.

What if I didn’t work at the church?

If I didn’t work at the church, I would not have stayed as close on my spiritual walk that I am now, I would have never shared my testimony with hundreds of people, I would have the close friends that I do, I would have the mentors I do, I would not be mentoring someone else, Gabby would not have free childcare and preschool, I would not be as involved as I am. I would not have tried as many new things that I am. I would not have the experience that I am gaining. The church has been such a blessing to us these past couple of years. It is Gabby’s second home and our second family. It is challenging! It is so hard to be in charge of so much and know that you are the one responsible for these children. So many interesting things happen every day! Like today, a kid was walking around my desk and his mom was not paying attention to what was going on. Well, he ended up pressing the panic button under my desk. The panic button automatically notifies the police and they were dispatched. So 2 cops show up at the church and asking me if I was ok. Our technology director was not happy.

What if I had grown up wealthy?

If I had grown up wealthy, I don’t think that I would be as hard of a worker that I am and take care of the things that I have worked hard for. If money came so easy for me, I would not be so concise of what I spend and would probably just go out and blow money. I would not be teaching my child that she has to work for her money and take care of the things that we own because we work hard for them. I don’t think I would have ever enjoyed Christmas and birthdays as much as I do because I always knew that those were the times that I got the things they couldn’t just afford to give me any time. I also don’t think that I would be as grateful for the gifts that other give me. For instance, around Christmas time, my friend had a baby and I helped take care of her other kids while she was in the hospital and recovering. Our pastor who is the grandpa of these children, gave me and money and called me their hero. It meant the world to me!