Invisible

I woke up today and went about my business as normal but something seemed off. Every time I said anything to Gabby she ignored me acting as if I wasn't there. Even the dog acted as if she could not see me. So I continued to carry on and arrived at work. No one could see me. I could hear someone ask where Danielle was and I was shouting at the top of my lungs, “I am right here!” Still it was as if I was not there. I decided to use it to my advantage. I really desire to know my bosses true feelings about me. So, being invisible I decided to go in her office during one of her meetings. I heard some pretty hurtful things but also some very encouraging things. I also want to know how Gabby really acts when I am not home. So, I decided to go into her class to see how she acts when mommy is gone. She is so sweet, polite, caring, and compassionate. Why can’t she act this way all of the time? It was also nice to see her teacher in action without knowing she was being watched. It just reassured me that she is in the perfect class this year. I have some strange things that I like to do. First of all, I love to shop! Doesn’t matter what it is, I love a good bargain! Today, being invisible, I decided to go find the best bargains without those sales people hounding me! It was wonderful! I was able to find all of the things I wanted for my new house at a great price! There was just one downfall, how do I pay for them? No one can see me! Maybe this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I want this to be a bad dream that I am going to wake up from soon and be able to start this day over and be myself again. 

I believe

I believe in the power of friendship. Friends who are there for you when no one else is. Friends that share your crazy sense of humor and see the good in you when you don’t even see the good in yourself. Friends that laugh at your jokes when they are not funny and love you when you don’t love yourself. Friends that encourage you and push you to be better and will listen when you just need to vent. I believe friends keep you feeling young and young at heart.

Friends are a blessing from God. He has put some wonderful friends in my path when I needed them the most. I met Amanda in the Mother’s Nursing room at church. We connected right away and our daughters are best friends. It is so nice to have another mom going through the same things that I am going through! We both have strong willed, hard headed, smart daughters who keep us on our toes. Especially when they are together. About a month ago, I got a call from the preschool director saying that my daughter was in her office along with her best friend. She then tells me that I need to come pick Gabby up from school because Gabby knocked over Charleigh’s block tower and said hurtful words so Charleigh knocked Gabby in the head with one of the blocks which left quite the goose egg! I am thankful that I have a friend who will be with me along the way!

Going through the lowest times in my life, I realized who my true friends were, my family. My family was there for me when no one else was. I was alone, pregnant, and did not know what I was going to do. I moved in with them for a month while I saved some money and tried to find a place to live. They bought me a beautiful crib and decorations for Gabby’s room, and just helped me figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. They were the ones there to pick me up and help me piece my life back together. They push me on and encourage me to follow my dreams and tell me it is possible. 

God put my best friend in my life at a time that I needed her the most. After coming out of the lowest time in my life, I had a little girl and my family but no close friends. That is when Amber came along. She needed a bestie just as bad as I did. She has been the person I go to when I need to talk about anything (after my mom), and is always there when I fall.  Amber gets my jokes and even laughs to make me feel better and I do the same for her. She helps me see the humor out of embarrassing moments like the time Gabby decided to yell out that Mommy needs a husband in the middle of the mall! She tells me that I am enough and makes me see that I need to love myself because that is the way God made me. When I am feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself, she will always do something sweet for me, like bring me Starbucks or some chocolate. She has encouraged me to better myself and supported me when I decided to go back to school. She is always making me laugh and showing me that you have to find the humor in the bad to make it better. Even finding the humor in dating a bunch of ‘frogs’ before we find our prince.

Friendship has come from my own child. My sweet Gabby girl has been a type of friend to me in her short 4 years of life. She keeps me on my toes and keeps me acting young (though I feel old while doing it), and is always helping me see the light in this dark world. Weather its dancing to the Tangled’s over song or climbing up on the big slide at Jump Mania, she keeps me going. Some days are harder than others. Being a single parent is hard. I am the one who kisses the ochies, does all of the disciplining, reads the stories, teaches her about Jesus, gives her all of the love and support that I feel like she needs, and does everything a parent is supposed to do. It might be hard but it is worth it. When she comes up to me so excited that she wrote a word the right way, when she is so proud that she cleaned her room, or when she tells me “I love you so much! You are the best mommy in the world!” makes all of the struggles seem so small.  God brought her to me when I was at my lowest of lows. I was able to crawl out of this dark hole I was in which has only improved our relationship. She is one of the only things in this world that makes sense to me.

Watching the friendship between two four year old girls who have been friends their whole lives is amazing! Gabby has a best friend named Charleigh and we consider them to be sisters more than friends. The girls fight like crazy but when another kid says something about the other, they get very defensive. Gabby was sick one day and missed preschool and a little boy told Charleigh that Gabby was not sick. Charleigh did not like that very much and slugged the kid in the face! I’m not saying it’s good for her to hit but I do think it is great that she stood up for her friend. The list of their friendship could go on and on. I will just add that I am completely exhausted after having the two of them together!

The friendship bond between a mother and daughter is very strong. Not just my own daughter but my mother. She is so amazing and there is no way that I could describe her. I model everything after her. I strive to be as good of a cook as she is. No matter how hard I try, I can never get my pies to turn out as good as hers. She is always telling me that she believes in me and how proud she is of me. She was there with me along the way and still loves me. She believed that I could come out of the lifestyle I was in. She supported me when I was in the hospital with an eating disorder and basically dying. She supported me when I got pregnant and turned my back on her. When I came back around and told her I wanted to get married to this guy, she had a wedding put together in less than a month. Then when I left him, she told me that I could raise this baby by myself and that I did not have to stay in the miserable situation I was in. She was still there. It has strengthened our bond so much. When I was asked to speak at a woman’s Bible study at church, my mom was asked to share a few things. She told about what she went through while I was in this dark place. She told how she had nowhere to go and felt so helpless. Then went into saying how proud she is of what I have become and how much I have changed my life. It was very eye opening to me to hear in her own words how much my choices affected her. She is one of the strongest women I know. You should see her shovel snow! She can lift more than some men I know. I am so blessed to be her daughter.

The strongest friendship of mine comes from my Lord and Savior. He knows everything about me and still loves me. I am constantly talking to him every day and know that he is listening. He has blessed me continually more than I have ever imagined and is continuing to everyday. He has a purpose for me and I can’t wait to see more of what that is.

Friendship has played a huge role in my journey. It has seen me through some really hard times. My friendships keep me going and continue to show me that I am enough. I might need to hear it over and over again like many women. But the base of friendship has to be love. I can honestly say that all of the people that I consider to be my true friends, I love. 

The Heart and the Fist

I have really enjoyed the book so far. I have about 60 pages left to read. I believe the purpose of the text is to tell Eric Greiten’s personal story. He goes from telling a little about his upbringing into his time in China, Bosnia, Rwanda, Bolivia, how he fell in love with boxing, his time in Oxford, and then how he felt led to join the Military. It is rare to hear of someone who gives up so much of their life to help others. He has a heart for the hurting and it shows. After trying to help others and not being able to save them led him into the Military or to be a SEAL of all things. He had such dedication and drive. Through it all he was more focused on helping his teammates than himself. He is a true leader.

The intended audience could range from young men to old ladies. Going from talking about his time in these foreign countries to his experience in Hell Week.

Happiness

Happiness is looking into my daughters eyes or hearing her giggle with excitement. I feel the happiest when I don’t have to worry about the stresses of homework, work, bills, tests, and all that goes into buying a house and I can just let loose and have fun with my sweet Gabby girl.

Certain smells make me happy. When I walk into a room and smell anything baking I get happy or when I smell fresh roses my mood shifts for the better. I am also the happiest when something that I have put so much effort into comes together. Like when I feel like I accomplished something at work or I finally have a staff that will cover the craziness of Sunday morning childcare. Or when I get a big test done and do well on it or FINALLY feeling like I understand what we are doing in math.

I see so much happiness through Gabby. She is just a ray of sunshine in this dark world. She is so sweet and kind and always giving me compliments or picking me flowers. How I wish the world was as simple as she thinks it is. To children, the world is simple. They don’t or shouldn’t have the stresses that adults do. Gabby can always find the good in things or make a game out of the most boring times. We will be waiting somewhere and she can figure out how to make believe something that I never dreamed possible. I thank God every day for her. She is the one person in this world who can make me happy no matter what. Even though there are times where I want to yell(which happens) or scream and don’t know what to do with her, then she gives me a hug and tells me how much she loves me and is sorry that she dipped my bucket and all is well in this world.  

The Comical Duo

I have a very bright and intelligent 4 year old! She is so full of life and a great joy to my life! We have so much fun together and are quite the team! Gabby loves everyone but always says she love me the most!  Gabby has a best friend named Charliegh Ann. There is never a dull moment when Gabby and Charleigh are together.  Charleigh is one of the most strubrun little girls I have ever met! Gabby has a hard head but she is nothing compared to Charleigh. They are together all the time. They go to preschool together(they even ride together which is another story all on its own.), they are in the same classes in Church, the same cubbies class, the same parent’s day out and Tuesday morning class so they are together every day plus the times I babysit Charleigh and her little brother Emmett. While babysitting it is never odd to hear a blood curdling scream or hear Emmett screaming because his sister was mean to him. If I don’t hear fighting it worries me. The times when it is quiet is when most of the trouble happens. Gabby gets into her fair share of trouble but most of the time she is not the person causing the trouble. She may instigate it but generally only a quarter of the time is when she is the one actually doing the act. It generally takes them about 5 minutes to be dressed up in their princess clothes. They come out being Elsa and Anna and have to put on a show for us. During the show they generally fight over who is supposed to sing at the point in the song and it turns into a yelling match. They can mess with each other all they want but no other kid better mess with the other or they will not be happy! Gabby was sick in mid-December so we had to stay home from school. One of the little boys told Charleigh that Gabby was not sick. Charleigh did not like that and kept telling him that she was sick at home with her mommy. The little boy kept on saying she was not sick for Charleigh punched him! Talk about a friend! Another time someone was being mean to Charleigh and Gabby did not like it so it was Gabby to the rescue! It tis so amazing to me how much the fight with each other but love each other at the same time. I hope their friendship lasts forever!

There is never a dull moment when Gabby and Charleigh are together.  Between the giggles about burps or toots or the screaming Let it Go at the top of their lungs, you can always count on being entertained with the two of them are together. Today, I get to school to pick up Gabby. The teacher opens up the car door and tells me that Gabby and Charleigh had a really rough day an there is a note in her backpack explaining what happened. I was not so happy! I read the note and find out that the two of them were hitting and pushing other kids today. My first thought was, at least it wasn’t each other! Then the worry kicks in. I don’t want my kid to be a bully. I want her to be sweet and kind to all of the children. I work at the church where she goes to preschool and the children she was not being nice to be in our ministry. I don’t want their parents to be offended by what happened. I know that they know that kids will be kids, but I want my kid to be nice to everyone and love all of the kids and treat everyone the way God wants her to. That is what I am trying to teach her and I know Charleigh’s parents are trying to teach her the same. Sometimes I beat myself up on things that my child does wrong. Being a completely solo parent can be hard sometimes. She has wonderful grandparents but it is my responsibility to raise her.

Fear

Fear is a very loaded word.  The first thing that comes to mind is fear of the future. It terrifies me not to know if my ex will come around and try to see my daughter. I fear our financial situation. Moving in with my parents was a great thing and has helped us a lot in the last nine months but I am ready to move on and into our own home again. Fear is something I have been working on a lot lately. God says not to fear but to put your fear and trust in his hands, which is what I have been trying so hard to do.  I also fear spiders, rodents, something bad happening to the ones I love, and so much more.  I think I focus most on my daughter. Because it has just been the two of us since she was born, I fear so much! Again,  I fear my ex trying to come back into our lives. He has shown little interest in her but there is always that chance that he will try to come back around. I fear what school to put her in. So much is going on in public school that I don’t agree with that I am having a hard time deciding where to put her in. I also fear being back in school. It has only been 2 weeks and I am already struggling in math. Psychology is a little hard to understand, History is something that is hard for me to get into and so far English has been the one class that I enjoy and feel like I will do really well in.  I am putting my fear and trust in God’s hands because there is no way I can do this on my own or want to do this on my own. Being a control freak it is hard not to fear when things are not going my way or not knowing how things will go in the now, near future and the big picture.

Not knowing what the future holds is so hard for me. I strive to be a good mom, ministry leader in our church, daughter, sister, student, and friend but it is so hard. Sometimes I try so hard not to let anyone down that I end up letting myself down instead. I am trying so hard in school. But after last night it really showed me that I can’t just keep doing what I am doing because it is not working. Math has always been a bad subject for me. After doing the same type of problem over and over again and always coming up with the wrong answer, I realized I need to get some extra help and change the way I think about it. I fear failing in the near future. I don’t want to fail! I want to make good grades and be a good student and try my best but it is harder than I thought it would be. Also another fear of the future is that I am not a good mom or I won’t be a good mom. Gabby is struggling right now with the changes we are going through. She is acting out doing things that she never has done before and trying to get my attention in the strangest ways. I am scared to death of what the future will hold if she continues this way and trying to figure out what I need to do to help her and guide her. The future looks so big and scary but I know in my heart and mind that I don’t need to fear it. Why can’t I stop myself? I don’t understand why I keep coming back to it. Why can’t I have it all together? That is something that I can’t dwell on.  I know that I am doing something right with Gabby. She is so smart, kind, loving, generous, helpful, and so much more. When the negative thoughts about fear of the future take over I need to just focus on the positive.

Gabby is really struggling with the changes going on in our lives right now. When I started school I knew it would be a big adjustment for us but didn’t really take into account the way she would react. While doing homework, Gabby was watching her shows in the same room as me and decided to color all over herself with a marker. That is something she would have done when she was 2 or 3 not 4. The she wants me to come see every little thing she is doing. I LOVE to see the awesome things she does but not 10 times in a hour while I am trying to read and study for a test. Then yesterday while doing math, she comes into my room smelling awful!! She got into grandma’s essential oils and poured it all over herself. I am not a fan of the oils myself. I thing some of them work but I don’t think they have healing powers. My mom likes them a lot and has started using them a lot and even put some on Gabby. So, in her mind, Grandma puts them on me so it must be ok. We were getting ready to go to a small group at one of my pastor’s homes so I make her take all of her clothes off and scrub her for about 10 minutes in the shower. The oils give me a headache so I was not too happy with her. She is also getting into trouble at preschool which she generally does not do. Today her and her friend Charleigh took half of the book on the bookshelf in my office and threw them on the floor. I was not happy! She usually never acts like this and I am trying not to lose my temper over all of this but it has been hard to not blame myself and not say that it is all because I am a bad mom or I am doing it wrong. I don’t know what to do different. I want to be the mom God called me to be and raise her the way the Bible tells parents to raise your children. I wish the Bible had specific rules for single parents. 

What if...

What if I was good at math?

What if I liked milk?

What if I was sick?

What if I didn’t change my life?

What if I didn’t get married?

What if I would have continued to date Mike?

What if I didn’t work at the church?

What if Gabby and Charleigh didn’t fight?

What if I didn’t have my family?

What if I didn’t buy my car?

What if my brother didn’t go into the military?

What if I didn’t go back to school?

What if I quit my job?

What if I had time to do everything I need to do?

What if the kid didn’t press the alarm?

What if I didn’t fire the worker?

What if I made different choices when I was younger?

What if I would have taken a different life path?

What if I didn’t have the boss I do?

What if I wouldn’t have got pregnant?

What if I didn’t get out of the eating disorder?

What if I didn’t change my life?

If I would have kept going down the path I was, I probably would not be here today. Between the drugs and eating disorder I was going down a path that would have easily lead to death. At 25, I was in the hospital weighing 85 lbs, my potassium was so low, my organs were not functioning as they should and my body was starved. I see now that God was not done with me. I was in a really bad relationship, I got pregnant while waiting to go into a treatment center, and knew that I had to do something. So I was able to gain weight (too much weight that will not come off) and have a healthy baby. The relationship was not something that lasted, thankfully, but God gave me this wonderful baby girl who is the light of my life. I love her so very much. I believe if I would have made different choices, she would not be here today. She brings so much joy to my life. If it wasn’t for knowing that another human being depended on me completely, I don’t know if I would have been able to be sober and start eating again. I keep wondering in my mind what would have happened if I would have stayed in college when I was out of high school, and wondering where I would be If I wouldn’t have met the men and pretty much run away from my life. I know that I am where I want to be. I know that I do want some things to change. I don’t want to be a single parent forever but I have to put that in God’s hands. I know that God has been so good to us! My his grace, my ex-husband has stayed away from us for over 2 years, my daughter is healthy and happy and I have it better than so many other single moms out there. I am able to support my kid, send her to preschool for free, go to school for free and still have a roof over our heads.

What if I didn’t work at the church?

If I didn’t work at the church, I would not have stayed as close on my spiritual walk that I am now, I would have never shared my testimony with hundreds of people, I would have the close friends that I do, I would have the mentors I do, I would not be mentoring someone else, Gabby would not have free childcare and preschool, I would not be as involved as I am. I would not have tried as many new things that I am. I would not have the experience that I am gaining. The church has been such a blessing to us these past couple of years. It is Gabby’s second home and our second family. It is challenging! It is so hard to be in charge of so much and know that you are the one responsible for these children. So many interesting things happen every day! Like today, a kid was walking around my desk and his mom was not paying attention to what was going on. Well, he ended up pressing the panic button under my desk. The panic button automatically notifies the police and they were dispatched. So 2 cops show up at the church and asking me if I was ok. Our technology director was not happy.

What if I had grown up wealthy?

If I had grown up wealthy, I don’t think that I would be as hard of a worker that I am and take care of the things that I have worked hard for. If money came so easy for me, I would not be so concise of what I spend and would probably just go out and blow money. I would not be teaching my child that she has to work for her money and take care of the things that we own because we work hard for them. I don’t think I would have ever enjoyed Christmas and birthdays as much as I do because I always knew that those were the times that I got the things they couldn’t just afford to give me any time. I also don’t think that I would be as grateful for the gifts that other give me. For instance, around Christmas time, my friend had a baby and I helped take care of her other kids while she was in the hospital and recovering. Our pastor who is the grandpa of these children, gave me and money and called me their hero. It meant the world to me!